I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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