Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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