So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
