Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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