just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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