i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
