we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
