Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
