9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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