my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
