Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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