God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
try to milk me bitch
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
