Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I think my moral compass just broke
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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