so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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