News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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