i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
there's paper in my vomit.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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