If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
