connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
