i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
