You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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