I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
