I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
