I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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