I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Buhtt sex?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
