my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
