Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
