I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
