Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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