So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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