If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
