The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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