From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
