Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
