Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
