I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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