just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
