drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
