Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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