if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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