Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
