I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
