Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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