my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
