It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
