i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
50% drunk capacity currently
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
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