Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
