This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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