I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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