but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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