My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
